He would always call me on Mother’s Day – because that’s just the kind of Dad he was. Everything related to my daughter was a jewel of a memory for him. The three hardest things with him being gone are: 1.)Can’t smell his pipe tobacco, 2.) Can’t hug him and 3.) Can’t call him.

But I know he lives around me in spirit because I’ve felt his presence in one way or another on several occasions. I know this is a transition, but it’s just hard. Just TALKING to Pop was like snuggling with your favorite quilt – he always made me feel accepted, gifted and wise. I really miss all of our laughs, our late-night chats, his advice.

It’s Mother’s Day, and ironically, all I can think about is Pop in this moment, and how much it sucks that he’s gone. Good thing is, thanks to therapy, training, practice and some tools acquired along the way, I know that these are thoughts about him, that are now, in the moment, and they will pass, just like time. Time passes through the pain into the next moment, and the next, until the pain is not as heavy.

Sometimes, I wish I could stand tall and erect like the Sears Tower. But, I have this whole human thing going on, so, when my mind is heavy with grief, so is my body.

Grieving sucks – pain just isn’t my thing. Not good at it. But I know that time will pass, and he’s around, checking in on me from time to time, to remind me that I am loved and not forgotten. Hopefully he knows that neither is he.

Happy Mother’s Day to me.

The transitional period of adolescence started on a rocky course and never recovered, creating storms that continue to haunt me today.

Imagination was my vessel to help navigate the hardship I endured, and in my darkest moments, I created an image of a grandmother – as a child, I feared my real grandmothers would be disappointed in me for being depressed, and would no longer love me, so I created what I called my InnerGrandma – who was always available to me, always all-loving and all-kind.

In my moments of great distress, I have developed the following visualization to help me come back to truth, hope and light.

She sits in a comfy chair on top of a hill in a huge grassy field. She has coffee-brown skin, wrinkles around her eyes and laugh lines around her mouth. Her hair is salt and pepper gray dreadlocks, and she has the kindest smile you can possible imagine. Always wearing a dress, she sits, perched in that chair, almost like a little Buddha. Everything about her is soft — her eyes, her skin, her dresses, the gray shawl she wears. She breathes comfort.

When I approach her, she usually says, “What do ya need baby? Come here and talk to Grandmama.” I sit at her feet and lay my head in her lap. She strokes my hair as I talk to her, and she guides me to more loving thoughts at a higher vibration.

You can borrow my grandmother if you’d like – she’s got plenty of love and is willing to share. : )

A few moments at grandma’s lap, and i leave her feeling a little less wounded.

This morning, while sitting in Starbucks and very much enjoying my incredibly delicious Peppermint Soy Mocha with spinach and artichoke quiche, I was reading “Wishful Thinking” by Carrie Fisher. Smack in the middle of the chapter, I felt COMPELLED to write, so I stopped and I wrote. I suspect that I will be doing more writing before the day is over.

What a beautiful principle and an excellent opportunity to dig into the creative aspect of ourselves. And so needed! Often, creativity is very much dismissed as something that is easily attainale and thus unimportant. But can we imagine a world with no creativity? What would exist in the world without it? Precisely nothing.

I have not always held true to my commitment to my creativity, but there’s something about Kwanzaa that makes me stop and take a look around. These days, gratitude is the name of the game in my life. And I can very easily see all that I have to be thankful for in my daiy interactions with others. To a certain extent, I have taken aspects of my life for granted in the last year, and taking the time to acknowledge Kuumba is making me aware of the incredible leve of gifted, talented individuals I am blessed to share my life with every single day.

It’s about time we did something about that.

Don’t know what, but it’s on the list of probabilities for 2010.

So happy to be alive, so thankful to be here and looking forward to a year of further blessings, happy manifesting and maximizing the potential of the grand and amazing human experience.

Allowing myself the space to be me and relieving myself of the need to wear the skin of any other. Peace.

Today’s principle, Nia, seems to be the first Kwanzaa principle that is very personal. Nobody can tell you what your nia or purpose is. One website designated that the purpose of nia is to “make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.” Sounds good, but what does that really MEAN?

I believe it starts, like all things, from within — from our thoughts and feelings about our own place int he world. When you are rooted in a strong foundation of achievement, intelligence, upward mobility, lovingkindness, justice and humanity, you are in a good place.

Abraham-Esther Hicks suggests that you “follow your bliss,” a phrase often repeated by some wise sage. So, seems logical to start with, what brings me absolute bliss?

Immediate reaction: laughter and children. Making people laugh is something that I can do all day long. I love uplifting other people through humor. And children absolutel fascinate me — the way their little minds work, how and what they pick up from the people and environment around them, how they learn and so much more. If kindergarten teachers were paid $100K per year, I’d eagerly be standing in line to teach children about Amierca’s true history (in contrast to the whitewashed version we’ve been brainwashed with since the beginning of time.)

How can I make sure that I focus upon my bliss? In any given opportunity, uplift others with my sense of humor. I already do this – whether it’s work, with family, friends, or even perfect strangers.

For the second, I see my current role as a mother and my current educational path of acquiring a Master’s in Liberal Arts degree to eventually get my doctorate in either education or history. Continuing on this path will give me the tools that I need to be the kind of mother I want to be, teaching my daughter a more comprehensivec view of American and world history. And beyond my daughter, using my interest in history to focus on the magnificence and triumph of the human spirit in the face of the most crushing and debilitiating of cirucumstances and obstacles.

My purpose is to keep the world laughing and to turn our attention away from the ‘tragedy” of the African American experience in the past, and turn the  attention of my scholarship and research to the triumph and evidence of the enduring human spirit.

This is the legacy that I am satisfied in leaving for my children. My purpose is to be happy and stay that way and pay attention to my bliss and follow the  steady pull from the universe toward my bliss, using my talents and abilities to dive in and swim in my bliss.

I must be a good mother and wife, an example of potential that evokes pride and inspires my family.

I must write.

I must love, laugh and focus my mind on the most important of all things – joy.

Peace

After watching “The Secret Behind the Secret” featuring Abraham, I cried. Watched it three times, cried three times. Cried after watching Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life.” Both seemed to kind of embrace me in this kind of lovingkindness and resonance that felt very exact and profound, but that I can hardly describe. I’ve seen first-hand, in my own life how I have manifested exactly that which I’ve wanted — and that which I’ve not wanted.

The truth of what both movies, and the scores of inspirational books that I’ve read over the years have told me, stand as strong and firm inside of my soul as a million-year old oak tree. It’s strong and vibrant truth, a stimulating kind of energy that forces me to shed the old skin of lies that I’ve been pounded with (as most of us have) all of my life, including: suffering is a MUST in order to be virtuous, if I’m happy and full of joy I a.) don’t deserve it and b.) am doing something wrong and c.) will and should eventually feel bad again; life is hard and long and should be; I have no control over what happens to me and on and on and on.

I’m feeling a spiritual renaissance that is very necessary for me to embrace my Divine self. It hints of enlightenment, but I know that I am far too distracted to be there quite yet – and at the same time, this knowing is so profound and so true that the other garbage that I’ve believed and been disempowered by is beginning to crumble away.

And all that’s left is light and truth. It’s a good day.

Felt compelled to share.

So, in focusing on feeling good, I’m reaching for the stars – the big stuff. Here are a “few of my favorite things:”

Beautiful jewelry:

http://ow.ly/Dnv2

A home that I love:

http://www.zillow.com/homedetails/photos/12550770_zpid/

A place I will visit:

http://www.destination360.com/caribbean/images/s/caribbean-jamaica.jpg

An empowering gesture: hugs:

http://www.openhandweb.org/files/openhand/images//HuggingKidsSmall%5B4%5D.jpg

A beautiful sight: sunrise at the beach:

http://visitsouthcarolina.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/sunrise_at_myrtle_beach_1024-a.jpg

One of the most healing voices in the world: Dr. Maya Angelou

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_1Ssoxfl0MvQ/R_XkKTUC_nI/AAAAAAAAD-U/OYn8PyB-2ac/s400/MayaAngelou1.jpg

If a group of people die under “tragic” circumstances, you can be sure that it will be on the evening and 24-hour news channels, in Twitter feeds and there will even be people blogging & talking about it. We’ll talk about how sad and tragic the deaths and the event are, and this will spark an uninspiring conversation that focuses on the misery that surrounds us everyday.

I’ve always wondered, why isn’t it that, with 216,000 babies born all over the world everyday, that the circumstances of a birth must be “extraordinary” in order to be reported in the news. When, in fact, the birth of a child is “extraordinary,” a miracle that happens 216,000 times a day. Plane crashes, mass murders by gun, or terrorist attacks – are no more rare than babies being born – all of these happen all of the time.So why do we choose to focus on that which puts us on a lower vibration of fear, anger and misery – the stabbings, abductions, battered economy, etc.?

Who doesn’t feel their heart glow when they see a beautiful little baby, or, better yet, are given the opportunity to hold one? So, why is it that we don’t focus on what makes us feel good?

Just a thought . . .

But my faith is sort of a mish-mash of several different religions – I love the meditative + enlightenment philosophy of Buddhism, but I talk to God, get goosebumps when I hear traditional Black gospel music and when Isla’s sick, i call on her angels to look after her. I also believe in the strength of my ancestors and when I hug a tree, I feel love. Way hippie, I know.

Most of that does not really sound like the traditional Southern Baptist church that I grew up in.

So, we’ve been attending Richmond’s First Unitarian Universalist church – which is NOTHING like the traditional religious upbringing I had. Formality is out of the window – there’s singing and dancing, poetry readings, and the ministers laugh A LOT during their sermons. Also during the sermons, the ministers sometimes  reference Jesus, sometimes Buddha and other leaders and prophets – religious and not – to further explain the theme of the sermon.

The atmosphere is so comfortable, so welcoming that you want to run out and get a pair of Birkenstock sandals right away. But I kept finding myself asking: “Are these people FOR REAL?” And, “What’s the catch – what do they REALLY want from me?”

Sad, I know — but “religion” and “church” have never been comfortable for me. I’m not used to sitting through a service and agreeing with just about everything the mnister says. And I’m surely not used to feeling comfortable at church – I’m used to crinoline slips that itch my legs under poofy dresses and my scalp still sore from the hot comb the night before and fidgeting in my seat because I’m bored and not understanding what the preacher says, but knowing I BETTER pay attention and take heed of what he says, whether I get it or don’t get it, agree with it or not.

But yesterday’s service – a farewell to one of the ministers, who is retiring – may have sold me. I walked into church yesterday feeling rather downtrodden, and left feeling that I had literally fed my soul – by doing nothing more than showing up. Isn’t that what church is SUPPOSED to do? Hearing “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley and “Instant Karma” by John Lennon during the service definitely felt like the love of God and the Universe LITERALLY hugging me.

And get this — the minister who is leaving – Rev. Alane Miles – is a blogger and so non-traditional, I feel relatively conservative listening to her. The one who is staying – Rev. Jean Pupke – has such a familiar air about her that I’m sure we were comrades in another lifetime.

Boo already likes the church, which is good, and while I am still leary of ANY organized faith, I’m about as least leary of  First UU as I’m gonna be of any religion. And while Buddhism most resonates with me, I think this may be a better fit. I’m gonna give a good strong effort for a few months and see how it goes — if it becomes a drag, I can always do something else, right?

Church may not be a drag after all. Innerpeace and Outergood.

Instead, we ARE going to talk about the emotional and spiritual aspect of your gut — i.e. your “gut instinct.”

The gut instinct is often overlooked, overanalyzed and even scolded, it’s wisdom too frequently tossed aside as an irrational thought.

Truth is, the more we honor our gut instinct, the more we honor ourselves and the closer we are to what I call “Buddha Truth.” Shallow breathing and ignoring it, or worse, discounting it, lead to an erosion of self-knowing.

In this blog post by the Daily Om, we are encouraged to nurture the space of the gut instinct to foster a better relationship with it. The key is taking the time to clear the space of disempowering energy with deep cleansing breaths and keeping that space free of of a build-up through  regularly taking time for deep cleansing breath exercises.

Gut feelings earn their name from the place in the body where they make themselves known. A pang in your gut when you may be doing the wrong thing, or a vibrant zing when your body approves, can guide you reliably at times when logic fails.

Read the rest of the post on gut instinct and learn more about the importance of it.

A recent example of my ability to manifest happened in September of 2008 – I needed an affordable car + daycare for my daughter because my hubby, after 5 months of on-and-off part-time and then no-time employment, had found a job.

At first, I panicked. He started the job in less than 5 days, where in the HELL would I find a car and a reputable daycare — both in our very modest price range?

I LITERALLY sat in the bathroom stall at work and decided that I had a choice to make. Either, FREAK OUT about this, as my ego was begging me to do, or let go of my fear and trust that something would work out. Out loud, I said, “God, I’m handing this one over to you because it is beyond me.”

Two days later, we were signing papers for my daughter to start attending a school that was a perfect fit for her and that night, we were driving off of a car lot with not only a car — but the SPECIFIC car that I decided I wanted. To find the school and the auto dealer, I meditated about it – and I felt a pulling, a very gentle, “Well, why don’t you try this?” as guidance. Both places were the first places that I called and the only places I called,  and BOTH had exactly what I was looking for.

I could not believe it. Until yesterday.

Yesterday, I learned about an official change in my job description that is a perfect match for not only my skills and personality, but my creativity. My current job is not so bad either, but I was looking for an opportunity for growth. About a year ago, I’d applied for a job at another employer that I THOUGHT was perfect for me – andthe $20k higher salary REALLY got me excited. I  was very excited about it, and hoped and prayed it would work out.

When it did not, my first reaction was extreme disappointment and anger — my current job was not allowing me to express much creativity at all, and in such a sour economy, I would never be able to find another opportunity so golden.

But I turned my manifestation dial from WNEG – the negative station, with poor, disempowering, disabling and uninspiring thoughts – to the WENL, the enlightenment station. I decided that if Ididn’t get THAT job, it was for a reason. I struggled with this some, meditated about it, and the only thing that came up, over and over again, almost like a mantra, was “Be still.”

Not what I wanted to hear, but my success in manifesting a car and daycare gave me confidence to do something that is not always easy for me – trust. In the universe and in myself.

Slowly but surely, a new patH at my current employer began to unfold – the political environment shifted, temporary leadership laid the foundation for new leadership to come in and bless me with one of the most exciting opportunities of my career.

Now, I am not only transitioning into a new, more fulfilling  job, but I have also been accepted as a student in the master of liberal arts program where I work and I will be teaching a two-part course in the fall.

THIS, my friends, is most definitively, the Divine in action. And I am so incredibly thankful.

Amen, and I’m going to stay tuned into WENL to embrace even more blessings. The door to the house of blessings is wide open, and I’m movin’ in!